PMS – Post Makeup Shit
By: Brandy Serra
So, it's been quite some time since it has been "That Time of the Month" over here at Back Online Back On Duty. This isn't due to the fact that I have been neglecting my desires for a monthly appearance, but more because I fail to follow through sometimes. It's a personal flaw. However, I am going to make it up to all you loverly folks right now with a blurb for each month I missed, and amping myself up for a January post. Back on to regularity!
October is a magical time here at Chez Robo. As I am sure is true with most of you fine individuals, Halloween is like Christmas to us, and we celebrate it all month long. This past year, we were largely wrapped up in devouring movies and the awesome blog idea I had for October fell by the way side (don't worry, I'm saving it for this year).
There are many things we love about the season, from all the non-stop horror movie viewing to trick-or-treating with our daughter, we have plenty to keep us busy. Regardless, we always have time to unwind at the end of each day with some adult drinks and October is magic hour for the best brews of the year. It's the absolute best season for beer hands-down (your winter shit is okay, but nothing beats autumn beers!), and we tried everything we could get our hands on. Though the selection is limited in our area compared to what we saw some of our online friends picking up across the country, we still had a decent sampling in our hot little hands. I normally have a hard time putting things in order from best to worst, or top tens and things of that nature, but this is something I can firmly rank.
Newcastle Werewolf – This is a beer we heard of in the fall of 2011, and I tried desperately to get it for us. Aside from the obviously awesome horror connection, we love Newcastle in general. So, we went to every store in our area, called all the stores within driving distance, and I even put in a special order request at the grocery store I work at. No such luck for the Robo family, we were told it was unattainable, and the beer vendor at my store told me he had never even heard of it. Douche. We checked the Newcastle website, but one twelve pack would set us back over $30 with shipping, so we decided we would just have to go without. You can imagine my surprise when, in early October of 2012, I was walking up the beer aisle of my store (it's my favorite aisle, I always travel it so I can see what I'll be taking home after work), and the brown case practically jumped up and clawed my face off. I immediately grabbed a 12 pack and put it in the back with my name on it. RESERVED, DAMMIT! I couldn't believe how easy it was, as I figured we'd have the same difficulty of the prior year. This was easily my favorite beer of the season, and we bought our fair share of it. I can't describe shit about how a beer tastes, how bitter or light, or any of that bullshit. I just know what I like, and I like this shit. It is a red ale, that's about all I can give you. This shit is amazing and there are even now a few 12 packs left at my home store, so we will be able to enjoy a little more of our wolfish nature until this autumn arrives. /rant
Sam Adams Pumpkin Ale – I fucking love Sam Adams. That asshole knows how to make some tasty fucking beers, and this is one of them. The pumpkin flavor is a a bit more subtle than some of the other brews available, but it is just such a smooth and easy to drink concoction that we were quite dismayed it wasn't available to us in a 12 pack. Even though it would have been pricey, I would have bought that shit in a heartbeat.
Shipyard Pumpkinhead – Although it is third on the list, these first three beers are very close as far as top spot competitors go. I would tie this one with the Sam Adams Pumpkin Ale, and they are both scraping the heels of the Werewolf. This was the first Shipyard I have ever tried (I've had others since), and I was very impressed with it. Eric and I split a six of it, and even though we were both pretty set after that, both of us wanted another three. This beer is similar to the Sam Adams Pumpkin in the vein that the pumpkin flavor is not highly pronounced and slapping you in the face, but it blends nicely into a good beer.
Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale – This was by far the most pumpkin-tasting beer we had. The flavor was good, not too strongly pumpkin, but pretty well-balanced with the beer taste we like. We only purchased a few 12 packs through the whole season, but we were both sad to see it finally disappear from the shelves.
Sam Adams Octoberfest – As stated before, I loves me some SA. This was still a really good beer and I almost hate to put it this low on the list, but it just wasn't as good as some of the other offerings of the season. I still enjoyed the hell out of it, and my fair share of them through the month.
Shock-Top Pumpkin Wheat – This was easily my least favorite of the season. I like Shock-Top's regular brew, but I tend to be unimpressed with their “specialty” offerings. The Pumpkin Wheat followed suit, and I was wholly underwhelmed with the flavor of this. It tasted like a bland Shock-Top with the tiniest hint of pumpkin aftertaste. And not good aftertaste, but more like wake up after a night of heavy drinking with a thick tongue and dry mouth aftertaste. Don't be tempted by the lure of Pumpkin on the label, pass this one up.
some of these were snatched off the web
since I wasn't planning on doing a beer post at the time
Now, it isn't a beer, but if you like to drink, make sure you ask your local liquor carrier to bring in some Pinnacle Pumpkin Pie Vodka this year. Pinnacle makes some good vodkas in general, and though their flavors kept us away for a while, we eventually tried a small bottle of the Whipped and decided that it was a pretty good idea to have sweets-flavored liquors after all. They have everything from Cake to Cotton Candy, even a Swedish Fish (which I have not been brave enough to try), and for the autumn season they drag out their Pumpkin Pie flavor. This shit is delicious, and if you make some Halloween Brew (mix 1 part vodka, 1 part cranberry, and 2 parts orange juice), you will be feeling F – I – N – E, fine. If you make them into doubles, you will be soaring through magic land in no time. It tastes like liquid candy, but the acidity of the orange juice balances it into a not-too-sweet mix perfect for the Halloween season.
Post Autumn season, I learned of a magical land not too far away called World of Beer. I know, I know, it sounds like a fairy tale, but do not fret true believers, this year we will be making a trip or five to make sure we have a much more adequate fall beer coverage. Now, if only October would hurry up and arrive.
Typically, I hate November. Here's why:
- November means the death of October.
- Thanksgiving to me is a holiday where I am forced to see some family members I have no desire of associating with. The food is good, but not worth the mental torture of their company.
- It's the sign that Christmas is next and, yet again, I'm completely unprepared.
- I work at a grocery store, and even though this is supposed to be a time of year where everyone is nice to each other, that stops at the door and it's asshole central in my face nearly every day. This pisses off my co-workers as well, so the entire atmosphere of the store is bleak.
Apparently, November is pun month, with No Shave November, and Mo-vember (mustache time for those who don't know, and you never trust a man with a mustache. Tom Atkins is the only exception to this rule.) The only November pun that matters is DINOVEMBER!
With the recently announced Jurassic Park 4, it was easy for me to decide what to cover in November. I don't give a shit who you are, that theme song makes anyone feel like a boss. Also, when you are on the ride at Universal Islands of Adventure and that shit kicks in, it's pretty amazing. Dinosaurs are badass in general, and we would be supremely fucked if they still were around. So, without further ado – in no particular order – here is some Dino coverage.
Jurassic Park – This movie is king as far as dino flicks go. You can't top the amazingness that this film got across. When they are driving in the jeep and first come up on the field of dinos, the look on Sam Neill's face exactly portrays how awed you would feel. Fucking dinosaurs tromping around, goddammitanyway. The animatronics and CGI are totally badass in this flick, and when I first saw it, my young little self was terrified that this dino island was real and they would somehow escape and wreck the world. They are giving this one the 3d treatment this summer, so we shall see what the conversion quality is. I am interested to see a T-Rex wreck shit in the third dimension. P.S. Dino DNA!
Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World – I went to see this movie in the theater for a friend's birthday party, where afterwards her four year old little brother was pretending to be a T-Rex and tried to bodyslam their pet cat. A lot of people hate on this flick, but I can still watch and enjoy it. The idea of a fucking T-Rex in your backyard is just badass.
Jurassic Park III – This sequel is even more hated, but I can't understand why. Sure, it's cheesy to the extreme, but it's still a fun ride. Eric calls it a big-budget B-movie, which sums it up perfectly. A lot of people hate how they killed off the T-Rex so fast, but I think this may be due to the fact that we discovered scientifically that a T-Rex was NOT a predator, but a scavenger. It tried, and I can appreciate that.
Turok: The Dinosaur Hunter – For most people, Nintendo 64 means a few things – Zelda, Mario, Mariokart, and Goldeneye. A lot of people seem to have forgotten about this awesome gem, wherein you are a badass motherfucker out to wreck the shit of some asshole dinosaurs. I remember getting frustrated with how often I was overwhelmed and killed in this game, but that never made it any less fun to play. You were fucking hunting dinosaurs, dammit.
1,000,000 Years B.C. – This old Hammer film is uber badass, and I mean, who doesn't want to see Raquel Welch run around in a skimpy cave-wo-man skin bikini? Although it's not solely about dinosaurs, they are still in the shit, so I'm mentioning it, and fucking. bikini.
The Land Before Time – The original installment in this series is an unbeatable kids movie that I still hold near and dear to my heart, and I've seen it countless times. Sharktooth terrified the hell out of me, Sarah was a little bitch, Littlefoot is kind of a pussy sometimes, Ducky was quirky and funny, but no one is better than Petrie! Unfortunately it's name has been sullied with 500 unnecessary sequels, each more terrible than the last.
The Carnosaur Series – I have never seen any of these flicks (shame on me), but Eric assures me they are quite spectacular cheese-fests with over-the-top gore and violence. Sounds amazing to me. Methinks I feel a marathon approaching. The first was released two weeks before Jurassic Park, so this is the rare case where the low-budget mockup got the hand up. Fuck yeah Carnosaur!
Why have I not seen this shit yet?
The Land of The Lost – No, I'm not talking about the Will Ferrel bullshit, I mean the old ass TV show with the shitty looking monkey guy on it (1991). I loved the hell out of this show when I was a young'un, crappy effects and all. Although my memory is hazy, I do remember the turmoil and how they almost made it home like a dozen times just to fail at the last minute. It was like Gilligan's Island but stuck in the past with fucking dinos. Bummer. I've never seen the older-ass TV show from the 70s but photos online look promising. Too bad it isn't streaming.
Rex (from Toy Story) – You may think I'm pathetic for putting this on the list (or it may further reaffirm your thoughts of my patheticness), but Rex is one of the coolest dinosaurs that ever existed. Voiced by Shawn Wallace, he is a little wuss-ass T-Rex. It's genius. He loves playing video games and he has some of the best lines. In Toy Story 3, he had the first line that made me cry. Yeah, I cried at that movie. A lot. If you didn't, your soul is black and twisted beyond mortal reasoning.
I'd love to talk about some giant monster movies right about now, as I have a great affinity for them as well. However, since I consider them to be in their own vein, I can't bunch in Kaiju movies with dinosaur movies. They have their own separate category, and will receive a separate post.
The only good things about December for me is how awesome Christmas is to my daughter, and the final closing on the year. This year, though, my December was enhanced when Eric and I made the outing to go see Django Unchained. We were running a bit early for the showing and stopped off at a nearby alehouse to have a pre-viewing beer. Experience instantly enhanced.
There's a lot of hate out there for Tarantino, even amongst you, dear readers, I'm sure. Even as we sat sipping our beverages, a fellow down the bar commented on how Quentin had “lost his touch” and “hadn't made a good movie in years.” I'm sorry, but are we all watching the same films? I think Tarantino has a certain knack for film-making. He writes dialogue that is believable and true; it flows like a real conversation would and is therefore stronger than other films. He has never made a bad casting call; even the no-name's or most unlikely of candidates seem to shine under his direction. His soundtracks own – you can't fail with Ennio Morricone on your side. I'm not saying the guy is perfection, or that he is untouchable, but he is pretty fucking good, so give him some credit.
Django takes place two years before the Civil War, when slave-trading and racism were rampant and encouraged (read: lots of derogatory slang. LOTS.). It's a fucked up world we're looking at, and I'm glad I wasn't born 100 years prior. Wearing a Sunday dress on Wednesday ain't exactly my thing. Anyway, the premise here is that Django is a slave, and a bounty hunter purchases him from some traders in order to track down a particular set of bounties. They end up becoming partners and close companions in the following events. I'm trying not to spoil anything, so I'll keep this brief.
The sets for the “cities” are amazing, reminding me straight up of some Red Dead Redemption type shit, with the wood constructed shoddy “buildings” looking as if a nice strong breeze would destroy a township. The overlying world is also amazing and reeks strongly of Old West. I know there are still places out there that aren't sullied with modern life, but it's awesome how slapping someone into those settings with the right wardrobe really makes it feel like an alien place and time.
As said before, Tarantino does not make bad casting calls. So, when it was announced that Foxx would be taking the title role and people started their bitching, I became confused. I can't say I like or don't like Jamie Foxx prior to this film because I am not familiar with his resume. However, he is totally awesome in this role, not missing a step as his character transforms throughout the movie. Christoph Waltz is a show-stealer yet again, and I am completely awed and frantic to see him do more. He has this weird charm about him; even when he was “The Jew Hunter” in Inglorious Basterds I loved the guy. DiCaprio plays a real asshole, Sam Jackson puts in his token appearance, and the slew of supporting cast is, as always, spot on.
The gun action in this flick is pretty badass, and there is some pretty righteous gore to be seen also. Some pretty heavy and awesome gore. Like, blood spattered walls. And floors. And ceilings. There is one scene in particular that comes to mind as especially gruesome. I can take gore and violence in movies with no problem, but the act committed in this one spot is a bit of a gut-punch, a la the intro to Wake Wood. That may just be a personal opinion though.
I've hit a wall, as there is not much more I can get into without divulging specific plot points or scenes, and I don't want to be a douche and ruin a movie that a lot of people haven't had a chance to see yet. So, get off your keisters if you haven't already and check this shit out.
So, there it is boils and ghouls, my apology post to you all. If you stuck around this long than thanks. Maybe I'm not just doing this shit for my own kicks.